Friday, October 26, 2007

Everything I Need to Forget I Learned in Kindergarten

Mrs. Lefty and I saw our therapist this week, and I told one of my most embarrassing stories. It reinforces the idea that my insecurity and jealousy are issues that I have carried with me for a long time. It doesn’t, however, explain why I sometimes feel these emotions so strongly.

When I was in kindergarten, I became enamored with one of the girls in my class. I don’t recall how this little relationship began. She probably offered me a beer at snack time.

I remember very clearly sitting at one of those tiny kindergarten tables next to this young lady. The teacher asked for a volunteer to pass out papers, and her hand shot up immediately. My little brain was confused. Why would my new friend want to get up and pass out papers when she could be sitting with me?

I was hurt. I was afraid she didn’t really like me. If she really liked me, she would want to spend every moment with me, right? I am sure that I acted in a needy, clingy way that only an annoying 5-year-old can pull off with panache. Predictably, our friendship didn’t even make it to nap time.

Why did I experience those intense feelings of insecurity at such a young age? I wish I could blame my parents, but I had a great childhood. They loved me and supported me in everything I did. Maybe there was not enough fluoride in the water. Or maybe too much.

Today, I still sometimes feel insecure about myself and my talents, even in areas where I have a proven track record. I sometimes feel pangs of jealousy that cause me to be stupid and overbearing. These days, it is harder to pass off my actions as 5-year-old immaturity.

The good news is that I handle myself now better than I did ten years ago. I am better able to talk myself through the irrationality of it all. I think one reason is that I’m getting older and curmudgeonier. (I’m pretty sure that’s a word.)

One of these days I’ll be perfect. In fact, I’m pretty darn close right now.

An unrelated note: don’t you think everybody hates the Boston Red Sox right about now?

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Blogger Newt said...

Huh, you're my insecurity twin. Who'd have thought. Great post. Amazing this blogging world. We get to feel so much less alone and so much more "normal" (I use that term loosely about myself)

4:55 PM  
Blogger Jay said...

I've always had the opposite problem. Jeeze, all the girls that just latch onto me and beg me to be with them and that won't leave me alone. I swear, sometimes it's more of burden than I think I can handle.

That and the alternate reality world that live in. ;-)

5:13 PM  
Blogger Sizzle said...

let me know how it feels, being perfect.


i don't hate the boston red sox. should i?

5:14 PM  
Blogger Guilty Secret said...

Ditto Newt. I'm not sure whether blogging is teaching me that I'm not alone or that all bloggers have issues. Either way, I like it ;)

1:06 AM  
Blogger Sturdy Girl said...

One experience with a whiny, needy, clingon type should cure you of this problem.

Remember to hide the pet rabbit before you break up with her though.

3:10 AM  
Anonymous verybadcat said...

I completely understand. You might just be the type of person that hungers for approval. What I am finding, though is that as strange as it sounds, I want approval from others when I'm not approving of myself. The weird part is that other people appreciate your approval of yourself, and it tends to attract more approval. It's *cough* crazy. ;-)

8:02 AM  
Anonymous xboxgirl said...

I think I'd blame the beer the girl probably offered you before the fluoride, kindergarten kids and beer = no mix well.

"One of these days I’ll be perfect. In fact, I’m pretty darn close right now." Thats the spirit! :)

9:01 PM  
Blogger Jennifer McKenzie said...

Um, 1. I'm pretty sure "curmudgeonier" is a word....or it should be.
2. I've never been able to figure out where some of my weird ass angst comes from. I, too, had a wonderful childhood and seemingly well adjusted parents.
3. I hate the Boston Red Sox right now. They're just too damn cocky. They need to lose a little.

4:22 PM  
Blogger Tink said...

I once peed my pants while in line for the Christmas shop at school. My teacher wouldn't let me use the bathroom until I was done and I really wanted to get my Mom this unicorn necklace. Then, while standing in the huge puddle of piss, I dropped all my rolled coins and they scattered to the far corners of the room.

It was the worst day of High School ever!

I'm kidding. I was in second grade or something. I think it traumatized me.

2:25 PM  
Blogger little miss mel said...

Go Sox!

Glad you are getting some therapy. I was getting worried. ;)

So interesting what memories we hold onto or really matter in our life.

3:48 PM  
Blogger Lefty said...

newt--yes, there's nothing like knowing you're not the only freak; what odd comfort, eh?

jay--alternate realities are so much nicer, aren't they?

siz--you're so funny; we all know you hate the Sox with a passion

guilty--not all bloggers; all PEOPLE

sturdy--our pet rabbit already died (thank heavens), so I'm safe

badcat--it's all an internal thing; people on the "outside" always see you differently than you feel inside

xbox--that's me--full of spirit(s)

jen mck--there still must be a way to blame the parents; I certainly can't be the one at fault

tink--I think I had a similar day in high school

mel--watch yourself; I don't allow that sort of American League potty mouth here!

8:02 AM  
Blogger g-man said...

Back in kindergarten I was sitting with a girl no one particularly liked. We were making pig noises and having a good time until it was time to get up and get our milk. She had to be "helped up" by the teacher after refusing to get her milk, that is when the diarrhea came a flying out EVERYWHERE. I felt bad for her because no one really liked her to begin with and then that had to happen to her. I think I skipped the chocolate milk that day.

11:46 AM  
Anonymous xboxgirl said...

HaPpY HaLloWeEn LeFtY.

9:20 PM  
Blogger Kay said...

i very much enjoyed this post.
i wish i was getting closer to perfect too :)

9:18 AM  
Blogger Lefty said...

g-man--smart move to skip the chocolate milk; did you ever sit with her again?

xbox--thanks! You, too.

kay--I think we ALL are moving on toward perfection.

9:56 AM  
Anonymous sammie said...

Looks like "Mr. T" is going Hollywood, if you know what I mean. Lucky you! He will be missed. He's taking Don with him too.

Wonder if he'll take any other members of the "A-team" with him.

P.S. Sox fans are getting really obnoxious these days. They're becoming what they claim Yankees fans are. Oh the horror. Something is wrong in life when that team wins the World Series twice in a lifetime.

8:54 AM  
Blogger Bre said...

I don't know enough about professional baseball to hate them, but I do like the color red....


4:48 AM  
Blogger Jennifer McKenzie said...

Happy Thanksgiving, Lefty. I miss you.

8:11 PM  
Anonymous xboxgirl said...

*Exactly the same as above*

6:52 PM  
Anonymous g-dog said...

OK - I am officially worried that you are OK. So, just want to send my best wishes that you and your family are OK (home & work).

5:44 PM  
Blogger Jennifer McKenzie said...

Ditto. I hope all is well.

7:05 PM  
Anonymous CresceNet said...

Gostei muito desse post e seu blog é muito interessante, vou passar por aqui sempre =) Depois dá uma passada lá no meu site, que é sobre o CresceNet, espero que goste. O endereço dele é . Um abraço.

12:48 AM  
Blogger Tink said...

Lefty! Where are you?

11:49 AM  
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Blogger Jennifer McKenzie said...

I really, really miss you. I come back every once and a while to see if you've come back yet.

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