Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Living with the Lords of Chaos

In the event that you are ever intimate with a person of the opposite sex and particular fluids are exchanged in particular ways, or if you have a medical procedure that duplicates such a fluid exchange, or if you discover a noisy basket on your doorstep, or if you are Angelina Jolie, then you might end up with one or more children.

This turn of events is not all it is cracked up to be.

I was reminded of this fact when I used the pen by the telephone in the kitchen to write down a number. At first, I thanked the Let-Me-Get-a-Pen God for the presence of that pen by the phone.

Normally in my house, the children have taken all the pens away from the one place in the house where you are guaranteed to need a pen and moved them to other locations, including beneath their beds, under the cushions in the couch, inside the vacuum cleaner canister or out to the garden. There are, of course, pencils by the phone, too, but the children have conveniently broken off all the points on those pencils.

So I was happy--no, thrilled--to find a pen by the phone. And this was no ordinary, practically-out-of-ink pen, but THE GOOD ONE. This was the one Mrs. Lefty usually keeps by our computer. It is Old Reliable. So I happily wrote out the telephone number I needed to remember and was about to put Old Reliable back in its place when...

...I discovered that my hands were covered in black ink.

I blame my children. They have the uncanny knack of making it appear as if their sole purpose in life is to create as much damage and chaos as physically possible. Whenever I am unfortunate enough to follow in their footsteps, I inevitably say to myself, “There is no way on earth they could have made a bigger mess.” Then I get to the next room and realize I was wrong. Everything they touch disappears. Everything they walk past collapses into a heap of debris.

Now I know you’re thinking, “Parenting. It’s all about parenting.” To that, I say, “Bite me.” You may also be thinking, “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” To that, I say, “Shove it.”

I suspect that my real children were switched at birth, and some dastardly alien creatures left mutant doppelgangers in their places. My real kids (I’m looking at you, Lindsay Lohan) are living very different lives in some unknown place. They are getting straight A’s, are polite to their fake parents and keep their rooms clean.

That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

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Blogger Tink said...

To that I say, "You're delusional." ;)

12:04 PM  
Blogger Lefty said...

Apparently, you didn't read my blog entry describing all the reasons I'm NOT nuts.

3:28 PM  
Blogger Jennifer McK said...

I have two words for you, Lefty.
Duct Tape.

4:57 PM  
Anonymous xboxgirl said...

Yes, do stick to that story.

And damn! You have an uncanny ability to accurately depict what chaos kids can bring to everything, though as I've said before your kids -- I mean your mutant doppelgangers -- cause [slightly] more damage than my parent's 10 kids put together.

6:16 PM  
Anonymous g-dog said...

Some kids come by it 'naturally' (i.e., blame your wife's side of the family) - a friend's youngest leaves a path of destruction wherever she goes - she could get muddy at the North Pole - and she is 17. It is better than it used to be, but still an amazing 'skill'.

7:14 PM  
Blogger SWF41 said...

I have two better words than Jennifer.

Children's Benedryl.


Peace and quiet.

(Not that I ever gave my kids medicine unless they needed it, you understand.)

9:07 AM  
Blogger Lefty said...

jen mck--is that what you use?

xbox--with ten of you, I am simply amazed that any of you survived at all; you must have a tough hide.

g-dog--we had (notice the past tense) some friends whose son was MUCH worse than ours; I seriously think his ultra-destructive behavior was his way of acting out for...what?...attention? Not sure. I told Mrs. Lefty he was never, ever allowed at our house again. He destroyed everything.

swf--my kids are teenagers, so the children's Benedryl just gets 'em more hopped up; I'm encouraging them to smoke weed.

10:02 AM  
Blogger Jennifer McK said...

Who? Me? I'm totally innocent. *bats eyelashes*

1:50 PM  
Anonymous brandy said...

Wow, this post got me all excited to have my own kids! At least I know what to ask for when I DO have children and am having a baby shower- medicine to knock them out and duct tape.

3:17 PM  
Anonymous LVGurl said...

I'm so behind on my blog reading. I need a fresh start here!

Lately, I've been finding lots of dried up pens with missing caps. Total bummer...

I get pen crushes, so I make sure to hide my coveted pens from the rugrats.

8:53 PM  
Blogger g-man said...

And it doesn't get any better. My kids range in age from 3 to 18, I wish the real ones would escape the aliens and come back!

Funny post, however sad but true.

7:41 AM  
Blogger Lefty said...

brandy--rather than a baby shower, just don't tell anyone you're pregnant and give the kids away before anyone notices

lv--yes, we noticed you'd been AWOL; you get pen CRUSHES? It IS hot out there.

g-man--3 to 18? My hat goes off to you. And I'm very, very sorry.

8:27 AM  

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