Toast, Marijuana and Narcolepsy

Taken from the headlines of my life:

DO-GOODER ARRESTED IN STING
Main Street--Like the civic-minded dork that I am, I pick up trash when I’m walking around town. Even if 50 dopes will simply dump more for every single piece I pick up, I feel like I’m doing something positive for this city.

A few days ago, I picked up a small plastic sandwich bag. Inside were the remains of some fellow citizen’s marijuana. You’ll be pleased to know that I was not arrested for possession. I did, however, have visions of being locked up for carrying around one-ten thousandth of an ounce of pot.

WIFE STRIKES BLOGGER HUSBAND
Bedroom--Last night, Mrs. Lefty awoke and sat up in bed with her feet on the floor. The movement caused me to awaken, and I opened my eyes. Then, inexplicably, she immediately dropped over. She didn’t slump or slouch or plop back on her pillow. She dropped as if dead, and banged her head on my shin. She lay motionless on the bed.

Fortunately, nothing was wrong. Her body simply had not been able to wake up properly, and she dropped (literally) off to sleep while sitting up. But if she had made it to a standing position before the great fall, it could have been bad. Needless to say, Mrs. Lefty takes several kinds of medication right before bed. I might have to start tying her down at bedtime. (Now that could be fun!)

MAN EARNS VICTORY OVER WHOLE WHEAT
Kitchen--I am making progress in the toast wars. About twice a week, I take toast with me on my way out the door in the morning. Approximately half of the time, I drop one or more pieces of toast on the kitchen floor, and according to the laws of physics, the buttered or jellied side lands face down. Today, however, I dropped my toast before I buttered it. Soon, I’ll be able to conquer the world!

Have fun tonight Harry Potty suckers...er, fans.