The Truly Random World of Lefty

Mel gave me some work to do. I am to report 7 random facts about myself. In order to accomplish this, I have created a Random Facts Wheel. I have divided my life into 8 distinct time periods as follows:

The Infancy Narrative
The Challenges of Toddlerhood
Tales of an Elementary School Pariah
I Was a Teenage Werewolf
Remembering College, Forgetting to Study
The Mail Order Groom
I’m Too Handsome to Be a Father!
The Present Troubles

Each period also has a subwheel that is divided into months. Every single month of my life is represented on the 8 subwheels, including the partial months of my birth and May 2007. Each month, of course, also has its own subwheel. On the monthly wheels are listed every single event of my life and every single fact about Lefty.

I chose the facts by spinning the wheels until I had gathered 7 bits of information. These are truly random facts, my dear readers. They are presented in chronological order.

1. When my parents brought me home from the hospital, they did not put me into a car seat. In fact, no one in the car was even wearing a seat belt. Instead, while dad drove, my mother held me out the window while I peed so that I wouldn’t soil the cloth diaper.
2. While I was in “daycare” (code for a lady without a proper license but who watched several young kids in her home while their mothers worked), one of the younger kids came up to me, lifted up my shirt and bit me on the belly.
3. One summer, during a full moon, Mrs. Welco went missing. The authorities never found her. In truth, I clamped my jaws down on her throat while she was watching Happy Days before I dragged her into a field and devoured her entrails.
4. The first time I ever got drunk--really smashed--was in college. I became so sick that I didn’t touch alcohol again for years.
5. My future first wife picked my face out of a catalog and sent me a letter promising me a plane ticket to the United States and the fast track to citizenship if I would marry her.
6. Since I have been married, my wedding ring has been off my finger for a grand total of about 90 seconds. (Sometimes to clean it or because my daughter occasionally asks to look at it.)
7. I don't usually bother to heat up leftovers from the refrigerator.

I am supposed to follow the rules by tagging 7 others. Instead, in true curmudgeonly fashion, I refuse.

Who Needs Teeth When You're Drinking Beer?

I’ve heard some people say that radio host Don Imus’ statements about the Rutgers women’s basketball team were blown way out of proportion.

I thought to myself, “Maybe they’re right.” I decided to run an experiment that just might show that Imus’ words weren’t all that bad after all.

When I got home from work, I said to my wife, “Hey there, nappy headed ho, what’s for dinner?”

And that’s why I am sitting here in my dentist’s office.