Thursday, March 08, 2007

The Day Neil Kramer Saved My Life

I know. I’m a big dope. I told communicatrix I’d participate in the Carnival of Neilochka, and I missed every single deadline. I do want to add something to the festivities because Citizen of the Month is a damn funny site. Plus, this is a story that must be told.

I have chosen to write about the day Neil Kramer saved my life!

The date was June 6, 1944. Sergeant Kramer stood in line ahead of me as our Higgins boat pitched and rolled toward the sands of Omaha Beach. Artillery shells splashed into the water all around us, but waiting silently in the bunkers ahead were countless Norwegian soldiers ready to cut us down...wait a minute...let me check Wikipedia...

Yes, just as I thought, numerous German soldiers were waiting patiently in their bunkers.

When the door crashed down, we rushed the beach. Almost immediately an explosion sent me flying face first into the sand. After gathering my wits, I searched for my muzzleloader and...hold on...Wikipedia again...

I picked up my Garand rifle and looked up for the only thing that could relieve the panic that was turning my insides to mush. And there he was, our grizzled veteran, that tower of strength for every scared kid like me on that beach, Sergeant Kramer.

“Old Rocky Bottom,” as we lovingly called him, stood erect, waving his giant sword...just a moment...held his Thompson submachine gun aloft and urged us forward. Bullets ricocheted all around him. A grenade landed at his feet, but he kicked it away and laughed--he laughed! He even caught one bullet in his teeth and spit it back toward the enemy.

Move, men!” he bellowed above the din. He was our leader, and we obeyed.

I moved up and had almost reached cover behind a tank trap when everything went black. A blast had knocked my body around like a rag doll and knocked me momentarily unconscious. It had also thrown me forward, right in the enemy’s line of fire.

As I came to, Sergeant Kramer had me by the collar. Using his superhuman strength, he flung me to safety, completely ignoring the shrapnel that just sliced into his hip. Once I was back behind cover, Sarge called for the medic, but alas, he had been killed as soon as we left the boats.

I was horrified to see that my head had been blown clean legs...both my legs had been blown off, which, of course, is why everyone calls me Lefty now. I was losing blood fast, and there was no time to spare. Sergeant Kramer plugged one artery with his right index finger, plugged the other with his left, and with his teeth, he tore bandages from a dead soldier’s uniform. He had taken his boots and socks off, and was preparing a morphine shot with his toes.

All the while, his Talking Penis tried to comfort me. “Hang in there, soldier. You can’t die on me, kid, and that’s an order!” his Talking Penis shouted.

Once I was patched up and out of immediate danger, the Sergeant faced a dilemma. Since he couldn’t leave the men, and since he couldn’t leave me behind, the Sarge strapped me to his back using the intestines of a fallen buddy. He charged into the fray, and everyone followed.

Sergeant Kramer single-handedly cleared ten that day and won the battle at Omaha Beach. And with it, Neil Kramer saved a nation.

Sergeant Kramer, Hero Kramer, would later die in a tragic accident involving tequila and the giraffe from an African safari, a sad broken man who could never come to terms with the terrible things he saw “over there”.

Though the nation has forgotten him, Neil Kramer will always hold a special place in my heart. He will always be the man who saved my life.

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Blogger TherapyDoc said...

I really liked this until he died in the end. I thought for sure he was running for President.

1:46 PM  
Anonymous girlfpsgamer said...

Are you saying that you were in World War 2(or was that just a story,of some sort)?

7:55 PM  
Anonymous Neil said...

In real life, I would have run.

10:20 PM  
Anonymous xboxgirl said...

Hey,another gamer girl,and she asked the same question I was going to ask.

12:36 AM  
Blogger Nance said...

Thank goodness for wikipedia! Now I'm going to go over there and edit your name in there.

11:36 AM  
Blogger Lefty said...

doc--he would have if he hadn't died of a broken heart.

ps and xbox--I have been involved in every major world conflict since Trafalgar.

neil--fortunately, you didn't! Otherwise, I wouldn't be here to tell the story.

nance--also, please edit my name into the article about discovering the cure for polio.

2:10 PM  

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