Hiding Behind the Keyboard

Earlier this week, Tink linked to a blog entry about the time her boyfriend, the irrepressible Hoop, first learned about her blog, Pickled Beef. If I understand the story correctly, Tink began writing her blog, but decided not to tell Hoop about it. I'm sure she had a good reason. Perhaps Hoop's brother was killed by a rabid blog or something.

I mention this because Mrs. Lefty doesn't know about this blog. It isn't, as you can see, because there is anything objectionable about the content. Sure, she might box my ears for sharing less flattering bits about her even though I write anonymously. I've even changed her name to protect her. Her name isn't really "Mrs. Lefty."

I don't tell her, though, because she'd be upset. Mrs. Lefty has had some really terrible things happen to her--terrible, awful things that I wouldn't wish on an enemy. As a result, her perception of the world is often skewed. She sees threats everywhere. When she is particularly anxious, she imagines threats that aren't there.

The amazing thing about Mrs. Lefty is that despite her fears, despite the trauma of her past, she is a genuinely loving, caring, generous woman. She is always the first to offer help or a shoulder to cry on. She hasn't let her past stomp on her spirit.

Yet, this blog would be a threat to her. It is a part of my life that would feel separate from her, and she would feel that she is being set up to be hurt. She would wonder about the people who read this and imagine the ways they could hurt her. And after a while, that fear of potentially being hurt would be indistinguishable from the real thing. She would actually believe that she was being wounded.

That's why Mrs. Lefty does not know about this blog. There is nothing here that she couldn't read. Yet the very fact of its existence would cause her to panic.

And that's why I feel a certain measure of guilt. Am I being selfish and inconsiderate? Or am I simply doing something that is as harmless as keeping a diary (with feedback)?

I don't feel as if I am doing anything wrong, but I feel that Mrs. Lefty would be hurt by it. How can that be?