As you all know, I’m clean cut and look like Jesus
(but without the beard and with a large sombrero
). What you do not know, is that I act a lot like Jesus, too. While I have never walked on water or played outfield in the National League (oops, I was thinking of one of the Alou brothers
), I have accomplished a lot of other eerily Messiah-like feats:
- While I was a single father between marriages, I once fed my son and myself for six weeks on only two pieces of boloney and 16 cases of beer.
- I was apparently born in a barn, since my father said something to that effect every time I came in the house and left the front door wide open.
- Jesus may have entered Jerusalem on a road covered by the cloaks of his adoring fans, but I walk down my hallway every day atop the clothes my children have thrown from their bedroom doors.
- I am a great teacher of wisdom, as evidenced by my daily instruction to my girls, “Blessed are the peacemakers, because if you two keep arguing about whose turn it is to use the phone, you’ll drive your father to an early grave.”
- My other gem of wisdom is, “Consider the lilies of the field. They never ask for new clothes.”
- I also tell lots of great stories, such as the one about the father who had a younger son whose terrible behavior drove him to an early grave, or the one about the ten bridesmaids/daughters who were waiting for the bridegroom to arrive, but who turned on every lamp/light in the house and ran out of oil/electricity, and so drove their father to an early grave.
- And, of course, Jesus was driven to an early grave, while I’m well on my way.
Labels: jesus, lefty, miracles