Harry Potter and the Revenge in the Hallway

Here’s a mixed bag of stuff from the life of Lefty:

I read the first Harry Potty book. Are you happy? It wasn’t that bad, wasn’t as dull as I remembered. Some parts were even mildly amusing. I may read the second one.

And, for the record, there was absolutely no dampness in my eyes the entire time, not even the kind caused by flying popcorn.

***

I haven’t dropped my toast--or my bread--lately, and I’ve been pretty proud of myself. But this morning, I filled my coffee filter in the office kitchen. I started back to my office and closed the kitchen door behind me. Except, as you must know already, I let the filter slip out of my hand, and every last grain of coffee spilled on the floor.

***

My poor toe. In our bedroom, the bathroom is down a short hallway. Of course, we use the hallway for storing all sorts of things, most of which are hazardous in the middle of the night when you have just gotten up to go to the bathroom.

I headed back to bed a couple of nights ago, and my foot slammed right into something hard. It was, of course, the new Harry Potty book.

I thought I heard a voice. “Ha! Got you, you damn Muggle.”

Just Give Potter a Chance

I have made many enemies lately by suggesting that Saint Rowling and the Harry Potty series may not be the best things since beer hats.

Not this kind of beer hat. (Note: This is not Lefty.)

Nor this type of beer hat. (Note: Not Mrs. Lefty.)

That's the ticket. (Note: Again, not Lefty. Though in reflection, I’m not sure why I didn’t get more action in college. That beer hat is smokin’ hot!)

Anyway, back to the Pottyphiles. Some of you folks get damn uppity at the mere mention that J.K. might not be able to raise the dead, or that Ron and Hermione were a mistake from the beginning because she’s such a Type A and he’s so passive, or that the books of the series will have a more powerful influence on human history than the Torah, the New Testament and the Koran put together.

I finally decided there must be one of two reasons Harry and his adventures inspire such passion. Either Harry Potty fans are totally out of their minds, or else there is actually something to this phenomenon.

Mrs. Lefty is a part of the Great Muggle Awakening, and I decided to watch her more closely. Since she arrived home at about 1:00am on Saturday morning with two copies of the book, she has been reading every chance she gets. Normally, we watch baseball games together on television, but instead she curled up at the end of the couch with the book. Without warning, she exclaimed, “WHOA!” Apparently, about 80% of the way through the book, something interesting happened. Harry probably revealed he’s actually Snape’s lover or something like that.

And then later, we’re having sex, and Mrs. Lefty is still reading. (Don’t get me wrong, she normally reads while we’re having sex, but it’s usually just a magazine.) This woman won’t quit. She has been working a lot, so she reads during breaks. She’s probably even been reading while she was driving.

As she was finishing the last pages, I decided the peer pressure was too much. I had better read at least one Harry Potty book, or just like those years from Kindergarten through High School, I’ll be the uncool kid again. So here’s my vow: I will read the Potty books. At some point before summer is out, I’ll pick up the first book (Harry Potty and the Grocery List, I believe) and read it, beginning to end. Then, if my brain is not fried by the inanity of it all, I’ll read the next one.

But I also promise this: I’ll continue to make fun of Harry every chance I get!

P.S. If you haven't yet seen "Harry Potter and the Unnecessary Knob," check it out.

No, I'm the One Who Is Magic

Somebody--and we won’t say who--is a little hyper over the fact that a new Harry Potter movie is coming out soon. I’ve read one chapter of one book (bored me silly) and have seen the movies (not bad), but I just don’t understand the allure.

But now, Harry Potter is getting older and graduating soon, right? That means there must be a new Harry Potter, a new character to take his place. I suggest me. I could be Lefty Copperbottom, running around performing magic and saving my sidekick friends, the klutzy Tommy Armpits and the beautiful Angelina Jolie-Muggle.

Reasons why Lefty Copperbottom should hit the big screen:

• My Tapatio hat and yellow blazer would drive women crazy.
• I am fluent in that snake language.
• I like jelly beans (except the vomit flavored kind).
• I have an oh-so-sexy American accent.
• I know how to do things with paperclips.
• I could use the money.

If you all begin a letter-writing campaign to Warner Brothers, together we can convince them to make Lefty Copperbottom and the Order of the Curmudgeon.