Just Give Potter a Chance

I have made many enemies lately by suggesting that Saint Rowling and the Harry Potty series may not be the best things since beer hats.

Not this kind of beer hat. (Note: This is not Lefty.)

Nor this type of beer hat. (Note: Not Mrs. Lefty.)

That's the ticket. (Note: Again, not Lefty. Though in reflection, I’m not sure why I didn’t get more action in college. That beer hat is smokin’ hot!)

Anyway, back to the Pottyphiles. Some of you folks get damn uppity at the mere mention that J.K. might not be able to raise the dead, or that Ron and Hermione were a mistake from the beginning because she’s such a Type A and he’s so passive, or that the books of the series will have a more powerful influence on human history than the Torah, the New Testament and the Koran put together.

I finally decided there must be one of two reasons Harry and his adventures inspire such passion. Either Harry Potty fans are totally out of their minds, or else there is actually something to this phenomenon.

Mrs. Lefty is a part of the Great Muggle Awakening, and I decided to watch her more closely. Since she arrived home at about 1:00am on Saturday morning with two copies of the book, she has been reading every chance she gets. Normally, we watch baseball games together on television, but instead she curled up at the end of the couch with the book. Without warning, she exclaimed, “WHOA!” Apparently, about 80% of the way through the book, something interesting happened. Harry probably revealed he’s actually Snape’s lover or something like that.

And then later, we’re having sex, and Mrs. Lefty is still reading. (Don’t get me wrong, she normally reads while we’re having sex, but it’s usually just a magazine.) This woman won’t quit. She has been working a lot, so she reads during breaks. She’s probably even been reading while she was driving.

As she was finishing the last pages, I decided the peer pressure was too much. I had better read at least one Harry Potty book, or just like those years from Kindergarten through High School, I’ll be the uncool kid again. So here’s my vow: I will read the Potty books. At some point before summer is out, I’ll pick up the first book (Harry Potty and the Grocery List, I believe) and read it, beginning to end. Then, if my brain is not fried by the inanity of it all, I’ll read the next one.

But I also promise this: I’ll continue to make fun of Harry every chance I get!

P.S. If you haven't yet seen "Harry Potter and the Unnecessary Knob," check it out.

The Blog Slug Rides Again

I know I've been something of a blog slug. Work has kept me busy, so I'll use that as my excuse for the dearth of posts lately.

So what's been happening?

I dropped a cake. I was trying to move most of a half-sheet cake from a chair to the counter, but instead I flipped the thing frosting-first onto the floor. My son laughed until he couldn't stand it.

My wife is trying to starve me. It's no secret that she and I have different ideas about how long leftovers can remain edible. Mrs. Lefty thinks leftovers should be thrown out while I'm still at the dinner table. I figure that as long as I can determine that the stuff in that bowl was at one time a food item, it's still good. (Be careful, though. We have mice in the freezer. Don't eat those. They're for the snake.)

Anyway, we had about a foot-long section of one of those giant submarine sandwiches. It had been in the fridge for only about four days. I had been having some every day for lunch. One day last week, I came home, stomach growling, so very eager to get me a piece of that sandwich. Mrs. Lefty had tossed it.

Then, I had some leftovers from dinner at a restaurant. All through the next day I was carefully planning just the right moment to savor them. Guess who took them to work with her and ate them? She's trying to starve me to death, I tell you.

Had a short visit from my mother-in-law. She's doing better after her stroke, thank you.

Had an even shorter visit from my parents. They didn't bring any beer, the cretins. My dad did help me cut down a tree in the back yard, though.

The girls travel back East to visit their biological father for two weeks. My son will go to his mother's for a bit tomorrow. That means NO KIDS!

And that's it. You're caught up. Absolutely nothing else has been happening in my life.

No, I'm the One Who Is Magic

Somebody--and we won’t say who--is a little hyper over the fact that a new Harry Potter movie is coming out soon. I’ve read one chapter of one book (bored me silly) and have seen the movies (not bad), but I just don’t understand the allure.

But now, Harry Potter is getting older and graduating soon, right? That means there must be a new Harry Potter, a new character to take his place. I suggest me. I could be Lefty Copperbottom, running around performing magic and saving my sidekick friends, the klutzy Tommy Armpits and the beautiful Angelina Jolie-Muggle.

Reasons why Lefty Copperbottom should hit the big screen:

• My Tapatio hat and yellow blazer would drive women crazy.
• I am fluent in that snake language.
• I like jelly beans (except the vomit flavored kind).
• I have an oh-so-sexy American accent.
• I know how to do things with paperclips.
• I could use the money.

If you all begin a letter-writing campaign to Warner Brothers, together we can convince them to make Lefty Copperbottom and the Order of the Curmudgeon.