The Obligatory Search Engine Post

Here’s how some people have found me lately.

• mistakes and boobs--sounds like the story of my life
• you seem tough behind that keyboard--especially when I’m not wearing pants
• a big collage picture of guy shoes
• drink myself--I’m not sure I want to know
• how can you tell if she is hiding--I’d say the feet sticking out from the bottom of the window drapes is a good clue
• sears womens cotton underpants--can you tell I’m drooling?
• redneck everything--I think you were looking for SWF42
• exploding sinuses--that would be a great name for a rock band
• cat is pooping in laundry hamper--don’t say I didn’t warn you
• camper sandals he loves me--I’m not even going to pretend I understand that one
• really bad mullets--how about ALL OF THEM?!

The Gray Days of May

The saga of my hair continues. After my last haircut disaster, I chose a different barber. He was a chatty, conventional fellow, so I figured it would be a good match.

We discussed my particular haircut needs, and when the question of length came up, I tried to describe what I wanted. He was a little unsure of what I meant, so he said, “I’ll cut it to a medium length, and if you want more, I can cut more.” Apparently, what he meant by “medium length” was “so short everybody can see the lice crawling around on your scalp.”

Mrs. Lefty, who always thinks my hair gets cut too short anyway, was furious. “You’re never going to him again,” she said.

Then, as we were riding in the car this week, my wife snorted at me with glee, “You’ve got gray!” Ack! It is true. I have never before noticed gray on my head, but there they were, accentuated by my new haircut, two wiry, gray hairs.

I guess this is it. My life is rapidly coming to an end. You can all begin to prepare your remarks for my memorial service. I’m sure your tributes would bring tears to my eyes if I were still alive.

Also, coming up this week...

• The long awaited paperclip-buttonless pants diagram.
• My trip to the emergency room just before I went out of town on business.

Long Anticipated Haircut Photo Arrives

Some of you have suggested that you can't make a final determination on the utter awfulness of my recent haircut until you can see a photo. I am happy to oblige.

Please understand that I wasn't wearing any makeup when the pic was taken, nor had I washed or combed my hair. Also, I'm not wearing any clothes. (I mean I wasn't wearing clothes when the photo was taken. I'm wearing clothes now, for heaven's sake. After all, I'm at work, and I'm not going to make that mistake again.)

Are you ready?

Are you sure?

I mean, really ready?

'Cause it ain't pretty.

Here goes...

At Least It Isn't a Mullet

So I got my hair cut yesterday.

When I go to the sterile chain hair salon where all the ladies look like they are on Death Row, I get my hair cut so short it looks as if the Marines are about ready to take me in. Then I can put off getting my hair cut for an ungodly amount of time until I look like the lost member of the Grateful Dead. I do this for two reasons: I am cheap, and I am lazy.

My wife always warns me ahead of time, “Don’t let them cut it too short.” I say “yes, dear” and then go out and tell Prison Lady to chop it all off.

I arrived home and asked my wife how it looked. “It’s long in the front and short in the back.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

I essentially ignored this comment because 1) I don’t really care what my hair looks like and 2) my wife is always exaggerating about things like that. But this morning, after my shower, I was combing my hair, and guess what? My hair is Alice Cooper in the front and Drill Sergeant in the back. I look like one of those half man, half woman carnival freaks, except I’m split front-to-back.

Is this my worst haircut ever? Probably not, but it’s close. (I quite literally had the bowl cut from Mom several times when I was a kid.) There was one time when the lady cut one of my sideburns short and not the other. That wasn’t good. I had to cut the long sideburn myself at home, had to keep evening it out until I had only a Mohawk left.

Have you ever had any bad haircuts?