Did I Miss Anything While I Was Away?

I know I should apologize for my long absence, but since I am a big jerk, I won’t. I do appreciate all the kind things said while I was away. It’s nice to be missed. It almost makes me feel bad for not apologizing. Almost. I’ll go have a beer later to get over it.

Things between Mrs. Lefty and I have been good lately. There has, of course, been the sort of marital strife common to all marriages: getting on each others’ nerves, little arguments, throwing hammers and other hardware within reach, endless police visits to the house, probation, etc. Since we spoke last, my marriage has never been healthier. And I truly mean that. (Mrs. Lefty is currently unemployed again, though, so we’re back on that treadmill.)

Our kids, however, are another matter entirely. In fact, I’ll be writing about that on my BRAND NEW blog that Mrs. Lefty will know exists. That’s right. Long Relief has been an anonymous blog, but the new one will be far less so. Mrs. Lefty may even post some rants--I mean, “thoughtful commentary”--of her own.

If you have been a visitor to this site in the past, I will post on your blog with the new identity, and you can come check out the new blog. Please, though, do not ever (unless you want me to become chum in my next life) let on that Lefty is in any way connected to the new blog. I probably won’t make any new posts here after today, but I will keep it up as a disturbing reminder to myself of what can happen if I have too much time on my hands and don’t drink enough beer.

See you around.

Give Time if Over Have Street

I have attempted, with only moderate success, to describe just how bloody frustrating my secretary is. I hope the following illustration of her incompetence will allow you to feel my angst (thanks for the great word, Sturdy Girl (formerly Love Monkey)).

I was out of the office most of the day yesterday, and I returned to find several telephone messages on my desk. On one of them, the secretary had written only the gentleman’s first name, no telephone number, and this delightful message: “call put you won’t here.” That is exactly what she wrote. I have no idea what it means, either. Even my secretary seemed to be confused at what she had written.

Sigh.

In other news, I have fixed Jen Mck’s and mel’s new blog addresses in my 40-Man Roster. I also added Guilty Secret and Have the T-Shirt. If you check them out, tell them Lefty sent you. They’ll send me a case of beer for any referrals.

Finding Lefty

Since I am clearly a slave to the latest fad and fashion, you may wonder why I have not yet done a piece on the wild and crazy search engine terms that bring people to my site. Wonder no more. Today is the day I unveil my first ever "Wacky Search Engine Terms" (cue the peppy jingle) blog entry.

Those who find me through a search engine are largely a group of people with bad hair. They want to know how they can fix bad haircuts. This obviously stems from my personal run-in with a reverse mullet. This is a group that needs a good stylist and some psychological help.

Some of the notables: "my hair looks like a mullet help!"; "haircuts long layered mullets"; "shoulder length mullet hairstyle"; "crooked bangs hair." Actually, I'm not sure that last one has anything to do with haircuts.

Predictably, after the "invisible boobs" piece, the searches became a bit pornier. In fact, "good boobs" is the number one search term. It beat out "invisible boobs" by a mile. You all have one-track minds. Even Frankenstein's monster logged in with "boobs good." Somebody, who wanted to be absolutely sure he (and frankly, it had to be a "he") didn't get substandard boobs, put in "good good boobs."

Here are some other search engine terms with bonus comments free of charge:

"asshole sharp pains"
"harry potter tapatio" (what the hell?)
"mom held me while I peed" (somebody's gonna need therapy)
"how to make pants yourself"
"my wife thinks I am ugly"
"life coach" (you've come to the right place)
"jobless unemployed and suicidal" (don't forget "ugly")
"why american league sucks" (isn't it obvious?)
"my computer monitor smells bad feces" (don't think that's your monitor, buddy)
"gooey cat poop"
"please lick my monkey" (no, please lick MY monkey)
"i'm in love with a sociopath" (so is Mrs. Lefty!)
"he is just phoning it in" (that says it all)

C

This is my 100th post. I know I'm supposed to prepare something special, such as "100 Facts about Lefty's Bodily Functions" or some other wildly interesting post.

For my part, in honor of my 100th post, I'm going to go drink 100 beers. I encourage you to join me (not in my actual location, of course, but in the act of drinking 100 beers). If you live in Japan (I'm looking at you, Bre), you can drink sake, or if you live in the south of France (lvgurl), then you can drink wine. If you are not of legal drinking age in your locale, then have 100 tall glasses of cold milk.

I have also decided to post a handful of interesting facts about the number 100:

The number 100 is the smallest square which is also the sum of consecutive cubes.

The Boston Beaneaters were the first National League team to win at least 100 games in a season. They won 102 in the split season of 1892.

Polish Draughts is played on a board with 100 squares.

At least 100 times a day, I turn a light off after my kids have left it on.

The 1969 western film 100 Rifles starred Burt Reynolds, Raquel Welch and Jim Brown.

On the Celsius scale, the boiling point of water is 100 degrees.

The Philadelphia Athletics became the first American League team to win at least 100 games in a season when they won 102 in 1910.

In the year 100 AD, Buddhist texts were first translated into Chinese.

I have fantasies about killing my secretary 100 times every week.

In the game of cricket, scoring 100 runs (called a “century“) is a major feat for a batsman, but to be out at 99 is a significant failure.

The number 100 in Finnish is sata.

It is estimated there were 180,000 people worldwide who were 100 years old or older in the year 2000.

I found all these on the Internet, so you know they're true!

Happy 100 Day.

I'll Be Back

I am traveling to a series of business meetings this week (yes, in a sunny clime!), and so I probably won’t update this most important blog for a while. Instead, see one of my friends at the blogroll to the right, and I’ll be back before you know it.

You won’t even miss me.

(Hey, you’re supposed to argue with me. I say, “You won’t even miss me,” and you say, “Sure we will,” not “Good point.” Sheesh.)

Things Are Going to Start Happening to Me Now

The avalanche of accolades is poised to sweep over me at any moment! Granted, the current avalanche tally is only one solitary snowflake, but you’ve got to start somewhere, eh?

Yes, you guessed it. I have won a major award. And I mean MAJOR.

Tink, over at her blog Pickled Beef, displaying her excellent taste and superb intelligence, presented me the Thinking Blogger Award. Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Please, that’s enough applause. Really, that’s fine. Please...

First of all, I’d like to thank my beautiful wife, who doesn’t even know this blog exists, ‘cause if she did, she’d kick my butt from here to Nairobi and back for airing all of our dirty laundry in public. And I’d like to thank my secretary, who has given me many reasons to whine and complain, therefore giving me the opportunity to post many a scathing entry. Thank you to Al Gore for inventing the Internet and giving me--and so many other deserving bloggers--this opportunity. And finally, thank you to Tink and the Academy. I am both honored and humbled.

Now, about the loot. Tink gave this important award to five bloggers on her post "Skull Shaped Blog", so that means that of the estimated 1.8 billion bloggers in the world, I rank in the top five. That is quite an achievement, don’t you think?

Due to the impressive nature of this prize, I naturally assume there is a monetary award, as well. This has got to be as big as the Nobel Prize, so I figure I must be getting at least $1.5 million out of the deal. I am expecting Tink’s check in the next month or so. Of course, I’ll give some to charity. The rest I’ll either invest in petroleum jelly futures or spend on beer. (And I think we all know which way that’s gonna go.) Plus, then there are all the great endorsement deals. Looks like SOME blogger isn’t going to be a working stiff anymore!

And now, the best part of the deal--I get to award five more lucky bloggers. Now that I have won this thing, I know you have a lot to live up to, but I’m sure you’ll do just fine, all of you.

First up, and no surprise, is Sizzle at Sizzle Says for her excellent coverage of the 2000 Presidential election.

Next, Eileen Dover at eileendover.com for her groundbreaking piece "Ten Ways to Shag a Sheep." Great work, Dover.

The third winner is Bre at Win or Lose, We Go Shopping! She wins for her description of the health benefits of bathing in a tub of champagne.

The Retropolitan Presents: Tales to Astonish! is the fourth winner. Retro wins for his ten week series "A Short History of the Stuff Growing on My Feet."

Finally, congratulations to Love Monkey at I Guess This Is It. The Monkey wins for her photojournalism piece "Up Close and Personal with My Duodenum". The blogging world doesn’t really want to know how you got such great pictures, Monkey.

To those of you who are winners, please stop by here to pick up your award and receive further instructions.

Reasons Why I Feel Inadequate

Everywhere I go, I compare myself to people around me. And usually, unless I am visiting my brother at Happy Day House for Paranoid Schizophrenics Whose Brains Are Destroyed from Years of Heavy Drug Use, I compare poorly. The same is true when I read your blogs.

Here are some reasons for my feelings of inadequacy, in no particular order...

1. Mel still holds to that beautifully naive belief that children are gifts from God and should not be wiped from the face of the earth (or at least my house).
   
2. Everybody loves Neil. That's why it is so galling that my penis has never said so much as a single word in its nearly 40 years of existence.
3. Not only does Sizzle seem like a genuinely kind and caring person, she has actual c-a-t-s (take that Blogger ads) in her actual apartment. Oh how my soul would rejoice if I could have some in my house.
4. Jason has the greatest blog title in the world. Space Monkey Pants is to Long Relief what filet mignon is to baloney. How cool is that? Space. Monkey. Pants.
5. LVGurl lives in Vegas. Need I say more? She probably dines with Elvis impersonators every day. And she has Tapatio brand salsa picante in her house!
6. Eileen Dover has a wonderfully exotic accent. That's what happens when you're an Aussie. I'd really love to visit Austin, Texas some day. Any tips for this tourist, Dover?
7. Have you ever noticed my masthead? I thought not. Dooce is the Queen of All Mastheads. I am so jealous.
8. And then there's SWF41. She killed her brother with an axe! Okay, she didn't kill him, and it was a hatchet, but still, that woman has got balls.
9. Bre lives in the land of perpetual ice, snow and minus eight degree temperatures. That is just not fair to those of us who live in harsh places where the sun shines 360 days a year, and the mercury never drops below 62. Have you no shame, Bre?
10. The Love Monkey (no relation to Space Monkey Pants) is just straight up funny. I aspire to be just like her when I reach her venerable age--83 I think.

And there's more, of course. So much more.

(To be continued.)

You Want Me to Do WHAT?

This is turning out to be a busy week at the office. It seems as if they want me to do actual work.

That means, of course, that I can’t put as much effort into keeping up with your lives, learning about the sounds your various body parts make, looking at pictures of the insides of your refrigerators, or getting detailed descriptions of the snot and/or vomit that comes from your children.

It also means that you will also be deprived of reading about my fascinating existence. Most of you just can’t get through the day without reading my complaints about cats or a careful description of my stapler, pretending it is actually something interesting, such as an ancient fossil.

I’ll do my best, but I can’t promise anything. After all, I’ve got to pay for my coke habit.