It's Like Working in a Carnival Sideshow

Does anybody have any advice for handling people who have fragile egos? And by that, I mean the people who feel the need to gain attention and gather accolades to themselves, and who fume and pout at every perceived slight? And all of this, despite the fact (or perhaps, because of the fact) that they produce few actual results except to drive everyone around them completely nuts.

One of these days I'm going to snap and put them all into the wood chipper.

You Say Tomato; I Say Cucumber

I started seeds for my vegetable garden inside and then transplanted them out in the garden after they sprouted.

I had a number of trays, and I was smart enough to label each set of seeds so I'd know what I had. For example, for the cucumbers, I put a big black "C" on the tray. And for the canteloupe, I put a big black "C" on the tray. So maybe there was a slight weakness in my system.

I thought I had them figured out, though, and I put the cucumbers beneath a trellis and the canteloupes in a spot with room to spread out. As you will have guessed, however, I mixed up the two.

I wondered why I couldn't get the plants beneath the trellis to climb.

One More Story for Good Measure

I didn't tell you everything yesterday. I forgot the best (though hair-raising) story.

We took my mother-in-law to dinner Saturday night. A woman I know from work walked by our table. I said, "hello." She leaned down to give me a one-armed hug.

I turned my head to look at Mrs. Lefty as she said "hello," too. With the arm that was semi-trapped in the one-arm hug, I reached out to pat this woman's arm. It was my way of returning her hug while seated.

Except when I turned around, I discovered I wasn't patting her arm.

Yes, it was her breast.

It's Father's Day

So turn off the dang lights when you leave the room, for heaven's sake.

Do-it-yourself with Lefty

Literally thousands of readers are clamoring to know how I fixed my poor old pair of pants using only a paper clip and good old fashioned ingenuity. As promised, I have prepared a series of diagrams to explain how I accomplished this great feat. Keep these handy in case you, too, need an emergency fix.
And again, thanks to the Goddess of Pants. RIP Old Greeny Pants!

Mother's Day 2007

So I’d been seeing a lot of those funny Mother’s Day jokes about giving Mom a day of rest and relaxation, feet up watching television, catered to, etc...just like being Dad for a day. Wow, that’s a funny one.

This year, I decided Mrs. Lefty should really be Dad for a Day! Yesterday, Mrs. Lefty mowed the lawn, changed the oil in the cars, cleaned the garage, painted the back fence, hauled a bunch of junk to the dump and went to the office for 8 hours. But when she came home, she got to drink beer.

Yeah, I know I'm going to hell. But I've been there already, and it's not that bad.

Vote for Me Early and Often

Reasons why the world would be a better place if I were Supreme Ruler of Everything:

• Three separate handles on every faucet--hot, cold and beer.
• Every day would be Tuesday.
• My capitol city and palace would be located in Nampa, Idaho.
• Women would not be required to wear tops...or bottoms.
• All automobile air fresheners would smell like me.
• One television station would be completely devoted to reruns of Hee Haw.
• All fast food places would serve liver and onions.
• All civil court cases would be decided by a dance off.
• Flying cars for everyone!

Some Great Things to Do

In my continuing quest to improve our quality of life...

• When turning left at a busy intersection, try dialing a friend on your cell phone. It is good fun for everyone when you miss the gigantic openings in traffic through which one could steer both the Titanic and the iceberg. It is particularly great when you fail to notice the light has turned red, and both you and I are hung out in the middle of the intersection.
• While listening to your iPod in public, earphones jammed deep into your ears, sing along with the music. The louder you sing, the better. Those around you enjoy hearing your off key screeching while getting none of the actual music you hear.
• When you are finished with a soda, hamburger, piece of gum, cigarette, child or other object, simply toss it over your shoulder to land wherever the gods will it. If you’re in your car, fling it out the window. The same applies to urine or feces, especially if you happen to be right outside the front of my office building at the time. This is like a giant pinata, and we’re all winners.
• If you are a telemarketer, and your victim--er, potential client--asks, “Is this a sales call?,” say “no,” and then forge ahead with your sales pitch, which technically isn’t a sales pitch, but an amazing opportunity that can’t be passed up.
• Drive erratically--stops and starts, sudden u-turns, drift toward the curb and then back toward the middle of the street so other drivers don’t know whether to go around you or follow you at your blistering eight-miles-an-hour pace. If you want to heighten the effect, get on your cell phone, too.

You're welcome.